I am really trying not to be a whiner and Debbie Downer. I've struggled the last couple of days. I have good moments, I have bad moments, I have REALLY bad moments. But today my sweet husband was exactly how I remember him and he did exactly what I expect him to do in these situations. He was my friend, my counselor, my confidant, my husband. And to me that was another miracle.
To say that I'm overwhelmed would be an understatement. This trial compared to December's trial is nothing. But I think I haven't had time to recover from the last one. My heart is tender, vulnerable and susceptible to any and all emotion. My mind is reeling 24/7 with concern for my family and our future. I am weighed down with worry, regret, fear and doubt. I can honestly say I have never faced so much adversity at one time. I remember Mark's dad telling us months ago when we were going through what we thought were the toughest trials of our lives (financially) that as hard as they were to remember that the next one will be even harder. I am being stretched beyond my limits. Heavy. I feel so heavy.
When things are hard for me I always think of my mother. She divorced an alcoholic and went out on her own with 3 young children. She worked very hard, everyday, to make our lives wonderful. I can't even comprehend what that must have been like. Even as I carry this heavy burden I do not feel adequate to carry, I know she had it harder. She was alone. She was poor. She was tired. And yet she endured. And did it so well that her children didn't even know how bad it was. I'm sure at times she asked her Heavenly Father why she had to endure such hardships. I suppose I can give her one reason: to be an example to future generations. She IS an example to me. An example of strength, courage, leadership, fortitude and love. And as I look to that example I am strengthened, courageous, leading, buoyed up and loved. Thank you, Mom. Thank you for enduring that you may be at my aid even as we speak. It's my prayer that I can do the same and maybe one day be an example to my future generations.