Along For The Ride

Sorry for the break in communication. We needed to work some things out and I wasn't in a place to blog.

I'm actually surprised this nightmare has found itself into our marriage. But now that it has we must deal with it appropriately. Mark is going to start seeing a neuro/psych counselor at the rehab center that deals specifically with brain injury patients. I hope that he'll open up to this guy and we can work through some of our emotions. I'm going to start seeing a counselor at LDS Social Services. Mark will come with me, but I don't know if he'll participate.

Needless to say, we have had a few serious life altering events happen to us over the last 3 months. I'm trying to take care of my family as well as deal with my anger and frustration. That's not easy. It's just more junk added to my already overflowing plate. Once again, I ask that you continue to pray for us. Our journey is not even CLOSE to being finished. It actually feels like it's just getting started.

Blessing of the Day: books

Love On The Rocks

All of this has finally worked itself into our marriage. There is pain, fear, doubt and uncertainty. Please be patient as my posts may be sporadic. This is very personal in nature. I don't want to paint anyone in the wrong light. I love my husband more than life itself and will do whatever it takes to make this work. We need your prayers now, more than ever. Thank you, again, for all that you've done for our family. We couldn't have survived this far without all that you've done.

Blessing of the Day: priesthood blessings

Patience Is A Virtue

Doctrine & Covenants 98:1-3

1 - Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice everymore, and in everything give thanks.

2 - Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament -- the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 - Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.

Blessing of the Day: scriptures

Funk

I am not in a happy place right now. I don't normally have pity parties, but I can't get out of this funk. I think I may need some counseling. Or a long walk off of a short pier. Something has to change for me. I hate feeling like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Blessing of the Day: hugs

Sunday Will Come

Today was a difficult day. Still many lingering questions about what happened the night of the assault, and the unknown is having an effect on us in ways we never would have imagined. Our lives have been turned upside down and it seems that no matter what direction we turn it is continually slammed in our faces. We can't get away from it. There is a constant reminder of the tragedy everytime Mark looks at me and talks to me. We are tired and need some closure.




And thus I return to finding some silver lining in each day. Some small blessing that helps keep us going. As the wind howls around us I am grateful for a warm place to lay my head. I often think of the pioneers on days like today and am so grateful that I don't have to watch my children starve or bury them in an unmarked grave. My life is not that hard, but it's hard. Just because it COULD be much harder doesn't diminish how difficult it is right now.

Blessing of the Day: shelter

I Can't Drive.....55

I'm really starting to get bad at this everyday thing. Thought getting my computer up and running would make the difference. Guess I'm still just as busy.

Friday was pretty uneventful, except that I got a little break and had lunch with a friend. Was nice to get out and laugh for a minute. Mark paced the floor and the street outside the whole time I was gone. When I say he's going stir crazy....I MEAN he's going stir crazy. He wanted to go to the Sprint store, alone, while I was gone. It took some convincing, but I finally got him to accept that he can't jump out there on the road his first time without another set of eyes. Whew!!

So today we spent most of the day out running errands. They were all my errands, but he was happy to come along and not be stuck at home. I decided that we'd give him a try at driving. Probably not the best day, as it was raining, but there weren't as many people out due to the weather, so maybe it was the perfect day. He did rather well. He didn't drive much. It really wore him out. He said it felt awesome to be driving his truck again. He was beaming. Baby steps.

I can't decide if the little outings I get alone are good for me. I am in MUCH need of a break, but they give me a taste of what my old life used to be like and I just want them more and more. I love my family more than anything in this world. But I am not one of those women who gives up EVERYTHING to be a wife and mother. I have my own hobbies, I have my own desires, I need time to myself. And so lately I have been feeling a little starved. Starved for Scarlet time. Suffocating from taking care of everyone else. LITERALLY never getting even five minutes to myself. Even as I type Mark is asking me when I'm coming to bed. Even when I was at lunch with my dear friend, I was thinking of what he must be going through with me not there. I can't even ENJOY the fleeting opportunity for a break. I guess I'm just saying that I miss what used to be and I hope those days return.

Blessing of the Day: independence

Isn't It About...Time

Today was a good day. One of the benefits to neither of us working is that we actually HAVE time to go to the Temple each week. What a blessing that is. Nowhere else on earth can we feel the peace and love of our Savior so greatly. Mark still struggles with the wording, but going each week will definitely improve this. He's embarrassed that he can't get it right by himself. Most of the time the Temple workers are patient with him. A male patron came through before Mark and I was standing just inside the Celestial room. He asked me if Mark suffered from Alzheimer's or some kind of dementia. I told him he was recovering from a severe traumatic brain injury and he said he would pray for him to make a full recovery. Once again I am in awe at what even strangers are willing to do for us. When I told Mark this, he cried. And so did I.

Not much happened beyond the Temple. And that's okay. It was such a good experience. Today my very good friend, practically a sister, marked 4 years without her Dad. On December 8th I marked one year without my Dad. As I thought of us and our losses I am reminded how close I came to losing my Mark. How grateful I am this day for the answer to my many pleadings, and the many pleadings of our friends, neighbors and stangers, that my Mark is still with me. I am grateful that his life was preserved in order for me and my girls to be able to enjoy the rest of this mortal life together. How grateful I am for the Temple and that we can enjoy the eternities together. How grateful I am for all of you that include us in your daily thoughts and prayers.

Blessing of the Day: time together

The Lord's Time

Mark Davis is starting to lose his mind. Not only does he have nothing to do, he can't even do it in his own space. He replaced a light in my mom's basement today and I think he purposefully took 20 minutes to do it. He'd be remodeling the bathroom if anybody had the money to do it. He needs projects and he needs them NOW!

Speech went well today. They played the barrier game. Mark really likes this. We're going to have to get the lego's out and do this with the girls. I think they would have fun together. And it really works on his communication skills.

While Mark was wandering aimlessly with boredom, I was doing prep work for a friends cake. Mark said that I'm happy living here at my mom's and not working on finding us somewhere to go. I think he was speaking from his Boredom City soapbox and not really from the heart. Our Bishop counseled us to not rush our decisions. We're being prayerful about where the Lord wants us to go. Our stay here is temporary.....but I don't know if it's 1 month temporary or 4 months temporary. I know we'll get some answers, but we also have to "wait patiently upon the Lord". Am I content here? Of course not. Would I like to be somwhere else? Of course. But all in good time. The Lord's time. Neal A. Maxwell said: Having faith in the Lord means also having faith in His timeline.

Blessing of the Day: hobbies

Movie Night

Monday's are always filled with a bit of dread. It's back to the grindstone of school, homework, laundry, bills, etc. But Monday was filled with a little excitement, too, as we went back to speech therapy. We missed it for a week due to our little hiatus back in the hospital. I enjoy going to speech therapy with Mark because I get to see the changes in him. He has started to enjoy it, too, and watching him feel some accomplishment is worth it's weight in gold.

While speech is going well, pain meds are not. Mark has chronic back pain due to degenerative disc disease, and now he has headaches from a crushed skull and brain surgery. It's a topic of much grief in our marriage. They are a necessary evil. I fear my lack of strength in regards to this matter is what landed Mark back in the hospital with a seizure. I have vowed to not let that happen again, no matter how upset he gets with me. EVENTUALLY he will realize that what I'm doing is helping him, not belittling him. But it is hard to always be the strong one. I've had to plant a smile on my face for 3 months now. I'm sick and tired of it. I NEVER get a day off. Especially if he's having a particularly bad day. And I don't mean a day off from the caretaking...I mean a day off from the emotional strain of being the backbone of this family. I'm tired and it's wearing me thin (although my butt seems to be the exact opposite of that).

Mark got to enjoy one of his favorite things...guy's night out with Doug. They used to go to the movie every Tuesday night, no matter what was available to see. They even went to see "Date Night" when they had seen everything else. The theater was full of couples and they felt a little awkward. Mark was beaming from ear to ear when he walked in the door. I think he felt normal, if not for just a few hours. Feels really good to see him doing normal things. The thing he wants to do most is go back to work. We'll be seeing the rehab doc again on the 22nd to see when he can get the okay. I will have a hard time with this. I want to roll him in bubble wrap to protect him from any harm. We have come so far that I can't imagine having to go back. The seizure was scary enough. I know that day will eventually come so I'm going to start preparing myself for it now. It will be good for both of us.

p.s. Blessing of the day: forgiveness

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Moving has a way of getting in the way of your normal routine. I do hope you'll accept my apologies for missing TWO days in a row.

Saturday was a fun day. We had lunch with some dear friends with the cutest little boys. Mark & Dewey used to work together, many moons ago, and have been friends ever since. We used to go to their house in the Basin every 24th of July to watch the rodeo, have a sleepover and watch the parade. We haven't been in a couple of years because our families have expanded. But we've remained friends, none the less. It was good to see them and laugh again.

From there we headed to the movies. The girls were on an outing with their cousin Suzanne, so we were free for a few hours. We saw "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler & Jennifer Aniston. I recommend it. We had another good laugh. It felt good to do something other than cry with worry.

Sunday was interesting. We were up early enough to get to my mom's ward at 9:00. We sat through Sacrament meeting and decided we needed to go to our Salem ward. The girls were already in Primary, so we left them there. We met with our Bishop and what a difference it made in our state of mind. We both had a GOOD cry, received some much needed counsel and love, and left with a renewed sense of direction. It's very difficult to go through a trial and not question (even if it's only once) whether the Lord is aware of you and listening to your prayers. Since we've had trial piled onto trial, piled onto trial, we were seriously starting to doubt. It didn't take long listening to our Bishop to realize that we are blessed. He is hearing our prayers. And he's even answering some of them. The most important and astounding being the preservation of Mark's life. My sweet cousin, Amber, puts a daily affirmation on her FB page. The other day it said: To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do. I'm going to try and stop whining about what I've lost and relish what I've got. The BEST thing being my husband. And since this is a challenge to myself (and you if you'd like to join me), I will now make a list of some of my blessings.

Mark, Madison, Olivia, Avery & Mocha
My Savior, Jesus Christ
The Atonement
My testimony
The Temple
Mom, Tye & Paige, Q & Cindy, Lee & Leigh
My dear friends that are too numerous to name (you know who you are)
Love
Roof over my head
Warm bed
Good food
My ward family
My old ward family
Prayer
Priesthood blessings
Strangers that pray for us
Doctors & nurses
Medical technology
Modern medicine
Healthy bodies
Running shoes
A reliable car
A good work ethic
Strong shoulders
My talents
Police officers
Ambulances.....

Needless to say, they are many. I will try to remember a new one each day, no matter how minute I may think it is. If it will keep a smile on my face and keep the doubt & fear of the adversary away, it's worth it.

p.s. Happy Valentine's Day (even though I hate it)

Hard Times

Today was difficult in that Mark and I could not agree on something of extreme importance. It's difficult to have Mark understand some things. It's difficult for him to understand that he is not physically able to work. It's difficult for him to understand that he's not ready to drive. It's difficult for him to recognize that he's still healing and needs to take a break from life. It's very, very difficult.

On that note, we went to the temple today. He had a good experience, especially with the Assistant Recorder. I saved the wrong recommend (expired in 2008) and his current one is in a box in a very full storage unit. George Dever, the recorder, helped us get in the door. Mark pulled him aside and told him about his assault and that he spent time in the hospital. He told him due to his injuries he couldn't remember the things he needed to and needed some help. At the end of the session, Bro. Dever came around the corner and Mark's face lit up like a Christmas tree. He was so pleased to see a "friend". Mark got the help he needed and we had an enjoyable session. Bro. Dever's kindness meant a lot to Mark.

As I mentioned above, we have a very full storage unit. Full of all of our belongings. As I pulled open the door today my breath was taken away. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for those who helped get us moved. I know it was no small thing. I have moved A LOT in my life and I KNOW what a job it can be. Thank you to EVERYONE: those who helped pack, those who helped move, and those who helped clean. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We pray that you are blessed for your service to our family.

Today's Test Is Tomorrow's Testimony

Elvis (Mark) has left the building! We checked out of the hospital this morning. He's pretty much back to where he was on Friday. A little more fatigued, but close to normal. Thank you for your prayers. Once again...they worked miracles.

After we exited the jail (hospital) we headed to Salem to check out of our house. That was very emotional for me. I didn't think it would be, but I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I guess no matter where you live it's always home. And now we feel a little homeless, even though we have a place to live. I'm grateful we have family to stay with. But it's not "home". It's very difficult on Madison and that breaks my heart. I know how she feels. I moved a lot growing up and it was hard every time. I have to remember that it's just as difficult for the girls as it is for me. There are so many unknowns in our lives right now and it's hard not to stress and worry about them. I'm a planner and I have nothing to plan with. I feel like I can't even look past tomorrow. I am mourning the losses we have suffered over the past 3 months. I am weak and I am sad. My heart is heavy with regrets and pain.

A friend shared a quote with me the other day. "Today's test is tomorrow's testimony." I truly believe that, but how much testimony do I need? And why all at once?

Taking Care of Business

Last night I was a broken, wounded woman. I had a complete meltdown from the cross I'm asked to carry. It was a dark moment in my life.

But soon after that I made some decisions that lightened my load. I went to sleep with a calmer heart and mind. Then I got up this morning and took charge of some personal things. I didn't get to the hospital until 2:00, but had to get some things done. When I got there the neurology tech was just starting the EEG. Mark was sleepy so they needed to get it done while he was being still. When I finally went in he was all smiles and happy to see me. Doug & Tanya came by and he was performing for them. They wondered why he was even in the hospital. He'd returned to himself. His sitter said he'd been up & down all day, they'd taken a few laps around the 4th floor. He was DEFINITELY much better than yesterday.

When I left my house it was in a flurry of people packing the remainder of my belongings. I hesitated to leave, but left my mom in charge and knew they were in capable hands. Around 5:00 she called and said the first load was going to the storage unit. What?? She said 10 men showed up at 4:00 and they were gittin' it done. Then another 10 showed up after 5:00 and it really started moving (pardon the pun). Most everything we own is now boxed, stored or in transit. I am in absolute awe of the service being performed on my behalf. The entire ward got involved. The High Priests were taking down beds, the Elders were moving furniture, the YM were stripping wire and the YW made valentines cookies and delivered them to the help. WOW! I am truly humbled by the love of our ward for us. I am a stubborn, independent woman that can do for myself. I would have NEVER been able to do THIS by myself. Mark says, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking care of my family."

I even heard the guys that were stripping wire in the garage weren't leaving until it was all finished. And THEN my neighbor can get a better price for copper so he's going to take it in for me and get me a check. In the words of Tony Tiger this is not just good....it's GRRRREAT!! Thank you, Kyley. And can I just say that I have the best VT's ever? They got assigned to me a couple of weeks ago and here they are tirelessly working hard to get me packed. That is being on the errand of angels. Thank you Janece and Monique. And I can't forget my crazy friends Andrea & Tricia. It's so fun it almost doesn't seem line work. Mark probably won't remember it, but it will be etched into my heart forever. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!! And thank you, Andrea, for handling the kids. I know it was better for all parties involved. You rock! Until tomorrow when it all starts over again. Hopefully with an even better ending.

Mean Joe Green

No EEG today. Don't know why. All doctors are pretty confident it was a seizure. He perked up a little more when they changed his agitation meds. Medicaid only pays for one inpatient rehab stay per diagnosis per life. So, he won't be going back to inpatient rehab. He either will be well enough for me to bring home and take care of myself, or he'll go to a skilled nursing facility. But we still don't know when.

Can I just tell you how hearing the words "skilled nursing facility" makes me feel? Sick, sick, sick. He needs to get better so I can bring him home. He needs your prayers. Again.

He was really drowsy and groggy today. He's very agitated that we have restraints on him. If he's not restrained he pulls out his catheter and always wants to get out of bed. He is not firm on his feet right now and at an extremely high risk of falling.

He was mean to me today. And while I know it's the meds and his condition talking, it hurt like hell. He's so frustrated with his own condition that we lay in the bed together and cried. Him for feeling like a failure and a worthless human being, and I for a broken heart. I got to the point that I couldn't even go into the room with him. I was an emotional basket case. I sat outside in the hall and cried until my head hurt. Then I gathered myself together and went back inside to hold his hand, tell him AGAIN why I couldn't take off the restraints, and be berated AGAIN about how I don't care about him. I waited until he had his sleep meds and then snuck out to come home for some much needed rest. Thank you, my friend, for being there when I need you the most. And thank you, my many friends, for helping me make the right moving decision. I love you all. I look forward to happier posts.

When It Rains, It Pours

I apologize I didn't get something posted yesterday. No, it wasn't because I was too engrossed in the Super Bowl. After 5 hours in the ER last night, Mark was moved into the IMC.

He hadn't been feeling well most of the weekend. I went in to check on him around 4:15 and he wouldn't focus on me, he wasn't making any sense, and he was rigid. His hands had curled in and I couldn't get him to cooperate. I got him dressed and we both nearly went down to the floor. I called my bishop to come help me get him to the hospital.

The ER gave him a lot of sedative drugs because he was really agitated and they needed to get another CT. After 4 hours and enough drugs to sedate an elephant, they finally took him in, agitated or not. The CT showed no change from the last one, which is good. They're pretty sure he had a seizure. It was a long night with wrestling matches and not much sleep. I'm only home long enough to shower, have a good cry, pack him some clean clothes and head back.

They're supposed to do an EEG today of his brain to see if there's any seizure activity. It's something you have to be completely out for. Don't know how they're going to manage that. The rehab docs are going to evaluate him, as well.

At this point I have no idea how long he'll be in the hospital.

18 Years and Counting...

Today marks 18 years that we have been married. All of our belongings are packed in boxes and our house is strewn with signs that we're moving. It's a hot mess. Mark is throwing up, has the chills and no energy. We are broke. Needless to say, we are not celebrating in the traditional fashion.

But it IS a day for celebrating. Because 66 days ago I didn't know if we would be celebrating at all. I didn't know if instead of kissing my husband and telling him I love him if I'd be visiting his grave and mourning the loss of the next 18 years. While we didn't go to a nice romantic dinner and exchange sappy cards and token gifts that represent our love for each other, we are together to, at the very least, kiss and express our love for each other. Here's to 18 more...and then some. I love you, babe! Thanks for staying with me.

On a side note, I need to send a shout-out to my baby brother Tye and his awesome wife Paige for coming out and stripping some wire in the garage. We joked about having a family stripping party. We got quite a bit done, but there is still a lot to do. Our hands and backs are sore, we're stinky from sweating because of the heater, and we're loopy from breathing exhaust fumes. But that's what family is about. Being there for each other, especially during the crappy times. So here's to them...for spending my anniversary with me and helping me get some cash flow. Love ya!

Friends With Benefits

I just want EVERYONE to know that I have the BEST friends and neighbors. The saying that many hands make light work is absolutely true. We had quite the gaggle of people here today and we knocked it out. We only have the office, bedrooms and garage to finish it up. I'm amazed at what we accomplished today.

Mark even participated. A little too much, apparently. He made a few trips up and down the stairs, even carried up a couple of boxes (with my harping on him the whole time). But after the second box he was done. For the day. He laid down and crashed. For the day. He finally asked for some food and I gave him some taco soup. It wasn't long when he called for me to come back to the bedroom. Evidently he and the soup didn't agree. I don't know if it's because he overdid it or that he's got a bug. It better not be a bug that get's passed around. I definitely don't need to add that to the laundry list of things I'm dealing with.

It's amazing to me how being surrounded by your friends can change your attitude. I truly feel 100 times better than I did yesterday. Although we were doing a tiring obnoxious chore, we enjoyed ourselves. Well, at least I enjoyed myself. Now it's time for some ibuprofen and chocolate. Those are the benefits!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all that helped.

Thank You, Mom

I am really trying not to be a whiner and Debbie Downer. I've struggled the last couple of days. I have good moments, I have bad moments, I have REALLY bad moments. But today my sweet husband was exactly how I remember him and he did exactly what I expect him to do in these situations. He was my friend, my counselor, my confidant, my husband. And to me that was another miracle.

To say that I'm overwhelmed would be an understatement. This trial compared to December's trial is nothing. But I think I haven't had time to recover from the last one. My heart is tender, vulnerable and susceptible to any and all emotion. My mind is reeling 24/7 with concern for my family and our future. I am weighed down with worry, regret, fear and doubt. I can honestly say I have never faced so much adversity at one time. I remember Mark's dad telling us months ago when we were going through what we thought were the toughest trials of our lives (financially) that as hard as they were to remember that the next one will be even harder. I am being stretched beyond my limits. Heavy. I feel so heavy.

When things are hard for me I always think of my mother. She divorced an alcoholic and went out on her own with 3 young children. She worked very hard, everyday, to make our lives wonderful. I can't even comprehend what that must have been like. Even as I carry this heavy burden I do not feel adequate to carry, I know she had it harder. She was alone. She was poor. She was tired. And yet she endured. And did it so well that her children didn't even know how bad it was. I'm sure at times she asked her Heavenly Father why she had to endure such hardships. I suppose I can give her one reason: to be an example to future generations. She IS an example to me. An example of strength, courage, leadership, fortitude and love. And as I look to that example I am strengthened, courageous, leading, buoyed up and loved. Thank you, Mom. Thank you for enduring that you may be at my aid even as we speak. It's my prayer that I can do the same and maybe one day be an example to my future generations.

The Crying Game

I'm just spent. This was a long emotional day. My poor sweet husband. This is doing him in.

We considered a couple of options today, neither of which were right for us. We have our bishopric working on finding something to rent in our ward. We're going to start packing tomorrow. At this point, I'll be packing as if it's all going into storage until we can find somewhere permanent to go. In the mean time, we'll probably be staying with my mom.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel. I'm not questioning "Why me?", I'm just so overwhelmed, tired, emotional and spent. I can honestly say I can't handle anything else. I fear I'm going to have a mental breakdown and be no good to anyone, especially my family. I want to crawl into a hole. I know it's just a "house", but that's not what I'm upset about. It's that we have fought, worked and struggled for 18 years to get where we are and it's all gone. We are starting over at age 40 and it scares me. And I just endured the most emotional frightening thing in my life and now I'm dealing with this. I know we're not the first people to have these kinds of trials, but I'm just so done. But I can't afford to crawl into a hole....so to Walmart I go in the morning to pick up boxes. I'll still get my kids to school, still go to therapy, and get started packing. Why? Because I don't have a choice. The world still keeps moving even though I want and need to take a break from it. So I'll put a brave face on for my babies and my sweet husband and try to keep going.

The Wall

I don't really know how to say this...so I guess I'll just come right out and say it. While we were in the hospital the bank decided to sell our house. I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say it's been a long hard two and a half years here in Salem and I guess it's time to move on. We can't afford it anyway, what with no income and no real timeline for when Mark can go back to work. I'm looking for work, but don't know if he's ready to be alone yet. As Madison was sobbing uncontrollably about moving, I counseled her that she needed to look at it as a new adventure. Just as Birdie told Kathleen in "You've Got Mail", we are daring to dream that our lives can be different. I don't know if it's that or we're just dealing with whatever crappy circumstances we're handed, but we'll be moving...somewhere...in the very NEAR future.

There was a time about 2 years ago when our sweet Bishop counseled us that if there was anything for sure that he knew about the Lord, it was that He takes you right to the wall. I was convinced then that we were PAST the wall. Then we endured another 2 years of financial stress, misery and uncertainty, only to be thrust into utter hell with Mark's assault. I told the Bishop when he came to visit Mark in the hospital that I think the Lord keeps moving the wall. And just when I think I might actually be able to pick myself up and move forward...WHAM! There's the wall...AGAIN! I feel like I'm standing alone and my whole life is swirling around me and I can't make it slow down or even figure out where to jump in and start trying to live it again. So it is with a heavy heart and fear of what the future may bring that I write these words. I write them because it's an outlet for that fear. It's a "record of my people". And sometimes, just sometimes, it makes me feel a little better to get it off my chest.