Pretty good weekend! It all started with ME having a girls' day out with some VERY fabulous people on Friday. We have been friends for 6+ years now and we try to get together at least once every 3 months. It was usually for an overnight scrapping event, but in light of recent events we've moved it to a "day" event. We met for a pedicure, had lunch and spent the rest of the day laughing, crying and scrapping. Love, love, love these ladies!
It felt WONDERFUL to have a day to myself. I will admit that I worried about Mark the entire time I was gone. He had to go to the doctor for a UTI, speech therapy, and then home to spend the afternoon/evening with the girls. Grandma did a great job filling in for me. And Mark handled it quite well. He only called me twice. But as I sat flipping through photos of days gone by I was reminded of how life used to be. There was Disneyland, the Easter egg hunt in the backyard of our Salem home, and having bottlecap races down the creek on a camping trip. The light that was reflected in Mark's countenance was a stark reminder of what we've lost. The energy that exuded from him as he helped the girls find their eggs and chase their bottlecaps downt he creek. That's all gone now and I don't know if we'll ever get that back. One of my dear friends talked about how we all mourn different things at different times. Mourning is not just for death, but for the things we have lost. And it's so true. We are in mourning. And it hurts like hell. I received great news about the medical bills and I felt that joy slip from my soul as I looked at the evidence of our life before this stupid, unnecessary, horrible tragedy. I got more angry as I helped Mark do his speech homework and struggle to remember the name of a flower. I got more angry as he looked at me and called me another name, then realized it wasn't right and then couldn't remember what my name was. I got more angry when Mark asked me to take him home before Priesthood meeting because he was embarrassed that they might call on him to pray or read a scripture, and they would laugh at him because he "sounds stupid". I struggled in Relief Society meeting as the teacher talked of living worthy to have the Spirit: letting go of the anger so that the Spirit can be unrestrained. I'm ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY! And my heart hurts.
Blessing of the Day: wonderful friends
Oh Scarlet-I am so so sorry. Mourn the loss all you need to. You have every right to grieve for what you have lost--it does not diminish the gratitude you feel. It is too bad that all our laughter and fun, can't somehow erase all the pain. I love you Scarlet.
ReplyDeletePS-Don't rush yourself getting rid of the anger-you are entitled to it still.