I'm Sorry...So Sorry

Emotional day. Up until now this nightmare has only affected me during the day. I'm sure, due to the use of sleep aids. But last night it infiltrated my dreams. I woke up sweating with my heart racing and I was madder than hell. That didn't put me in a great frame of mind for the rest of the day. My poor family had to deal with my moodiness. One minute I'm mad, the next minute I'm crying. I'm seriously starting to lose it.

Then we settled down for family scripture reading before the girls headed off to school. Remember the article I talked about yesterday? Well this morning's chapter in The Book of Mormon was part of that article. Coincidence? I seriously doubt it. Madison asked me why I was crying and I told her Heavenly Father was talking to me and I needed to listen.

Then we were off to the LDS counselor. We explored our financial situation, discussed our application for Social Security, and not letting Mark "drift" because I'm too busy with the rest of life to get him involved. Then the waterworks started. I won't go into great detail, just sufficeth it to say that I'm in the second stage of grief...ANGER. What should have been an hour session turned into an hour and a half. I felt much better afterwords. Still ANGRY and sad, but better.

Our last appointment of the day was with the prosecutor. After another hour and a half, I was still ANGRY and sad. I can't tell you what we discussed. It was ugly and hurtful, again. Mark wanted to see the pictures of himself from the ER. I didn't know how he was going to handle it. We both did pretty good. I didn't even cry. I think it's because I can see those pictures anytime I DON'T want to by closing my eyes and remembering EVERY minute detail from that horrific night. I watched him as he looked at the pictures, expecting to see something. Nothing. I believe it's still too surreal to him because he doesn't remember it. He didn't feel the pain, didn't go through the emotion, doesn't know what true hell it was. He does now, for sure. But it was almost as if he was looking at someone else. I think that must be a blessing for him. Difficult for me, as I sometimes still feel like I'm handling the emotional side of it alone. And that's a great cross to bare.

After we got home Mark kept apologizing to me. He apologized that I had to endure all of this and continue to deal with it. He apologized that he can't remember how it went down. He apologized that because he doesn't remember that we may not get the justice we deserve. He apologized for being a burden to his family in that he can't take care of us. He apologized that he doesn't make me laugh anymore. And I cried...again.

Blessing of the Day: arms to hold me