I should be so happy today...and I was a few hours ago. Somehow my mind has wandered and I'm pretty down. I was driving around alone tonight and passed a ball field where little boys were playing their first games. Families were crowded into the stands with blankets draped over them cheering on their boys. I had a brief thought: "I'm glad that's not me." But another thought quickly followed. "If it were me, it would mean that my life would not be in the mess it is now. I would be happily living in my own home, my husband would be well and fully employed, we would not be so heavily financially burdened, and we'd be happily enjoying our children and the extracurricular activies they love." And I wondered again how I got here and if it's ever going to end.
We went to Salem today to pick up our work truck. We were driving through town and Avery saw a house that had a "For Sale" sign in front. She said, "Mom, no one lives in that house. We could buy that one and live there." It's heartbreaking to ruin the innocence of my children by having to explain to them that it will be a long time until we're in a home of our own again. It's difficult to look them in the face and tell them we can't afford piano lessons, or horse riding lessons, or tennis lessons.
I don't know why today was the day, but it was. I want my life back. I want to go back to November 30th and skip all of the tragedy. I have so much to be thankful for, but today I just want to grieve all that I've lost. I am sad. I am broken.
Blessing of the Day: cleansing tears
Scarlett, My prayers are with you. This has been such a hard trial for you to go through. You have been so blessed, but you have truly lost so much. I'm sorry you have to go through something so difficult. I can't imagine how hard it's been. You and your family will be in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteDitto to what Sarianna said!
ReplyDeleteScarlet,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry. Hang in there, girl. (and please give Av a squeeze for me).