Movin' And A Shakin'

Mark keeps me hopping. He doesn't want to "hang out" at home. It gives him anxiety. He needs his own space and we're all a little cramped here at Grandma's, so he feels the need to be out and about. But when you're the chauffer, it can get a little exhausting. But after a trip to Home Depot to get some new rakes, lawn bags and gloves, he started working on the pine needles in the front yard. It didn't last long, but he at least got started. He's been really sleepy lately, probably due to the changes in his meds. He's not tired, he just can't keep his eyes open. So he crashed on the couch for a little while, which was great for me so that I could get started on the disability paperwork. More on that in a minute. Anyway, when he woke up he was energized and ready to start moving furniture and televisions around. He can't see very well as he's trying to retrain his brain to work with only one eye. So he put our 50" plasma tv on the dresser in our bedroom so he can read the DirecTV guide. I feel like I'm on the front row at the theater! Didn't take long for the nausea to set in. Gag. But I am glad that he had a project to do and was able to accomplish his tasks. Hopefully he'll get back to the raking tomorrow so I can get everyone's belongings a little more settled and we won't feel like (as Avery pointed out) we're camping.

The diability paperwork hasn't been too bad. It's a 14 page report that asks for all the doctor and medical record information. It says that if I don't currently have the medical records from the doctors that I shouldn't ask for them. The SSA will contact them and request the records. I feel like if I get them first and then send them in with the application it would go through much quicker. But I don't know what I'm doing. Anyone out there got experience in this? I know it's going to move slowly because it's the government, but if I can make it go even THAT much quicker, shouldn't I at least try? I know the SSA wants statments from the docs about Mark's condition and his ability to work. But if I could get them the actual records it might expedite things a little. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

I actually feel like I should be making a cake. I've had so many these past couple of weeks that I'm going through cake withdrawal. I'm sure Mark will have me moving and shaking tomorrow. Heaven forbid we have a quiet day at home!

Blessing of the Day: sarcasm

So Far, So Good

We've started Mark on his "detox" of meds. He was very nervous about how difficult it was going to be. So far, it hasn't been bad at all. But over the coming weeks it may get more difficult. I'm here by his side 110%, but I can't do anything to alleviate the physical and emotional impact it has on him.

It's amazing how his countenance and presence has changed since we started this. He's more upbeat, more active and more Mark. I couldn't get him to SHUT-UP today. And that's my real Mark poking through.

I had to make a cake today and Mark didn't want to hang out at the house. I dropped him off at the movie theater and left him my phone. Before I left he recited my Mom's phone number to me and I showed him which speed dial # it was on my phone. As I started to worry about why I hadn't heard from him, I got a call from my sis-in-law saying that he had called her house and talked to her son and poor River was freaking out. I called Mark before I left the house and he was telling me all about everyone he had talked to, but couldn't remember the house number. Guess I'll be getting him a bracelet that has information on it so we can avoid this in the future. Whew!

We'll be meeting with the LDS counselor again tomorrow. Looking forward to that. I've got to get started on his diability paperwork and it's going to be a monstrous task. For one, they require everything but rights to your first born. And secondly, it's all in the storage unit in a box. This is going to be fun!!! Guess I never lack for something to do....

Blessing of the Day: family

The Amazing Brain

We were sitting together around the dinner table and Mark was remembering. He was asking me if I remembered our black Nissan Sentra. He asked me if I remembered taking it on a long drive. I thought he was talking about our trip to Texas. He asked me if I remembered going to Yellowstone to go snowmobiling with my Dad and how it was so cold that it would never warm up and how he had to put a piece of cardboard in front of the radiator so that the heater would work. Really? I DO remember that trip and all of what he talked about. I'm astounded that HE does. Once again proving how absolutly AWESOME the brain is and it's ability to recover from such traumatic circumstances. Including losing part of itself. Just amazing.

We met with Dr. Gregory, the neuro/psyche therapist today. It went well in that he has the background with brain injury patients to better help us move forward. He gave us some valuable tips on helping Mark to bridge the time from now to his full recovery in a year. I need to be more organized (shocker) in how I manage his time. He needs activities on the daily calendar so that he has something to look forward to each day. Some of that needs to be exercise. He can't do much, but we'll start with walking and some light hand weights. I also need to rely more on outside family and friends to help with some of his activities. He can't do EVERYTHING at home. It's no wonder the man is going crazy! I'm hopeful that we can introduce some of these new ideas and it will make a healthy difference to Mark. The weather isn't cooperating with us, though.

Mark's been nervous all day about getting rid of meds tomorrow. I don't blame him. It's not the most pleasant of experiences. But with a doctor's help it shouldn't be nearly as bad as going it alone. He's ready, but worried. I'm ready, but worried. But for different reasons. He doesn't want to go through hell. I want it to work and stick. Perhaps we'll both get our wish. Until tomorrow....

Blessing of the Day: memories

Moving Forward

We had, I believe, our last Sunday in Salem. It's been a difficult transition, to say the least. Usually when you move it's a decision you make after much thought and prayer, with a plan in place, and time to make the mental and emotional adjustments. Since we were literally ripped from our home, packed up and moved by other people (thank you VERY much to all that helped), and displaced into a home that is not ours, we have had a hard time letting go. It's difficult to leave the ward family that has helped us so much through these tragedies, and of course our sweet Bishop that was there for us with much needed counsel and strength. He was released today. And with each growing week, I have felt the need to move forward. It is difficult. It is with a heavy heart. But it is time.

After therapies tomorrow I'll be visiting the new school that my girls will be attending to get a feel for it. I want to transfer them, but have had mixed emotions about it. It's getting to be too costly, both financially and time wise, to keep taking them to Salem. And if we're going to be here for several months, they need to move on as well. As someone who moved every 2 years, on average, I know what this means for them. And I will have much anxiety throughout their first week of school.

Mark starts his counseling with the neuro/psyche doctor tomorrow. I am excited for that. I hope it will be what he needs to come out of his slump and recognize his need to move forward, at a slower pace. I'm also very interested to know how this counseling will be different from our regular counseling. The therapist we saw on Thursday said he has helped a lot of people fill out and file their disability paperwork, so that's one project we'll be working on. He thinks we will be able to get around $2,000/month when we get accepted. Could take up about 6 months, but that money would be VERY beneficial when trying to get back on our feet. I just have to wade through much STUFF in the storage unit to find the paperwork needed to attach to the application. Such fun things to look forward to!

Blessing of the Day: children - Happy Birthday, Madison!

I Told You So

Since Mark is unwilling to choose an activity for himself, I chose one for him and finagled him into doing it. I called his brother Alan to see if there was a trucking run Mark could join him on. He said he was actually going to the BYU game to man a booth selling hotdogs and he'd be more than happy to take him along. Mark wasn't really clear on what exactly he was going to do, just that his brother was picking him up and taking him to BYU. He kept asking me if he needed to wear his boots because I think he thought he was going to be doing some kind of electrical work. He was gone from 10:30 to 4:30 and was royally pooped when he got home. But he said he had a good time and enjoyed being gone all day. I didn't say anything to him, like I TOLD YOU SO, even though it was screaming in my head. I just smiled and was happy for him. He didn't do anything for the rest of the night. Which was just as well as I had to finish Madison's birthday cake. I even got to enjoy an hour of running errands ALONE! I treated myself to some Old Navy and Michael's. Good day.

Here's a picture of the cake. Not the best picture as I had to use my phone because I can't find the chord to my camera. Hazard of moving. It was a BLAST to make!



Blessing of the Day: talents

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Pity Party...that is. Call me impatient and uncompassionate. Whatever.

Okay, maybe I am. But when he won't even LISTEN to any of my suggestions is what drives me CRAZY! Mark is really mourning his losses. His life, as he knew it, is DRASTICALLY different. I wouldn't say it's "over", just not remotely the same. He wants to feel productive and useful. He wants to go to work and support his family. He wants to live in his own house. He wants his life to have value. But what he doesn't understand, or can't see at the moment, is that his life DOES have value. I am very sympathetic to his plight. It's just frustrating when he only wants to whine and complain and not be willing to change his circumstances with even the smallest activity. I tried to tell him that he wouldn't "feel" so bad about things if he'd just get a little physical activity. It's amazing what that can do for your psyche. I know I need to be a little more patient. I try to imagine myself in his shoes and wonder if I'd be doing even HALF as well as he is. I'm sure I wouldn't be. So I bite my tongue and try to offer encouraging words instead of letting out my own frustrations.



Living with a brain injury is a very difficult thing. Mark is not the same. I have my husband, but I don't. I mourn losses, too. I want the man back that you see in this picture. He is not the bright, vibrant, passionate person he used to be. I long to see his huge smile and sparkling eyes. I miss his laughter, his giggle, his playing with the girls. They miss him, too. It's just not any fun. It's stressful, emotional, sad, frustrating and exhausting. I'm trying to keep my chin up for all of us.

We saw Dr. Cook, the facial reconstruction surgeon, today. He said he wants to take out the screws and plates in Mark's face. The bones have all healed and they tend to be like sheetrock screws and can work themselves loose, or even out. So in a few weeks he'll go back into the OR and have them removed. That makes me very nervous. I got the OR notes in the mail today from the 11 hour brain surgery. I quote: The contused and lacerated lateral temporal lobe was coagulated. The macerated brain was removed. I went down to the white matter (under the grey matter). There were 3 different pockets of intracerebral hemorrhage and these were removed (blood clots) and the macerated brain was removed until we got back to what appeared to be more normal brain. The macerated contused brain with intracerebral hemorrhage was like toothpaste. Instead of having a custard like consistency of normal white matter, it was almost liquefied.

The mere fact that he can argue with me is a miracle in itself.

Blessing of the Day: patience

Something To Talk About

Sorry for the absense. Been a busy week. We are basically back to normal in our marriage. At least as normal as you can be with a brain injury person.

We did attend a conseling session today at LDS Family Services. I didn't know if Mark would attend with me, or if he would understand why I wanted to. It took us the full hour to explain what's going on in our lives. Mark was emotional as the therapist shared a scripture with us: 2 Nephi 28:30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; Mark is struggling with the fact that he can't do a lot of things he used to before the injury. The therapist said that it was remarkable he had gained back as much of his independence as he had, and that just like in this scripture, Mark will eventually gain all of his independence back. He just needs to be patient as it will come "here a little, there a little". Then he showed us a picture of people ascending some stairs towards a bright light. The person on the top was reaching back to help the people on the lower steps. This really touched Mark. He asked why the top person was helping the lower person. The therapist told him to ask me what it meant. I explained that the person at the top loved the other person very much and wanted them to enjoy whatever there was to aspire to, together. I told him the Lord had given us to each other in order that we may help each other. I help him because I love him. Overall it was a really good exprerience. He was still confused as to why we met with him, but said it was good and he'd like to go back. Progress....here a little, there a little.

I've noticed that in his speech therapy we seem to have taken a small step backwards. I spoke to the therapist about it today and he said it is likely several things: depression, change in meds, the stress of the move, and maybe the seizure. His speech was faster, he was more animated in his expressions, and he completed his speech tasks with more ease....before the seizure. The therapist wasn't too concerned, but was glad that I had noticed it as well. He also said that before he was listening more attentively. Now he wants to talk more. Wow...that's a surpise.

We're going to get him off his pain meds and try to do something else for his back pain. It's in the thoracic region of his spine, so there's not a lot of options at this point. But he wants to get rid of the meds and I'm ALL for that. That process starts on Tuesday. Wish us luck!!

Blessing of the Day: communication