Angels Among Us

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. And neither do the people I'm surrounded by.

I always love going to see Mark's new doctor. I'm always amazed at the knowledge he has and his willingness to share that knowledge and expertise. I always feel genuine concern from him. A true desire to do all that he can to help Mark get his life back. A true desire to help as much as he can to right such a brutal and ruthless wrong. It's almost a love that we feel from him. A love from one of Heavenly Father's children to another. I can't adequately describe it. It's one of those things that can only be understood by being a part of it. Surely one of the greatest blessings our Father in Heaven has reserved for us. An angel given specifically to us. And once again, I am profoundly grateful for it. Perhaps one day I can express it adequately. One day.

While Mark was doing his testing with an assistant, the doctor came out and we discussed Mark's ability to go to work. The doctor reads this blog, so he knows Mark has a great desire to go back to work and provide for his family. But the doc explained that Mark going to work is a long time in the future. Mark's deficiencies are with language. Language is involved in EVERYTHING we do. And the basis of most of what we do. Last week while Mark was doing his testing, I was sitting there working on the smocking on Olivia's baptism dress, all the while listening and watching what was going on. The doc explained that I was performing a motor skill task (sewing), but was able to be engaged in what Mark was doing (watching, listening, understanding). That wasn't difficult for me as my brain is healthy. Mark is not capable of doing that. If he were to be put alone into a room that needed all of the switches & outlets changed, he would have no problem accomplishing this task. But the second someone walked into that room and asked questions, or took Mark's focus from his task, he wouldn't be able to accomplish it. He can't combine his motor skills with his cognitive language skills. His cognitive language skills have been compromised so severly that a breakdown occurs. And when you add the chronic fatigue that goes with a brain injury into the equation, it just get's worse.

We also talked about the possibility of PTE (post traumatic epilepsy) developing with Mark. He told me about a study that was published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Epilepsy occurs, evidently, a lot more often than the average person knows. In very mild brain injuries (concussion) it can develop in 1 of 100 people. In severe traumatic brain injuries such as Mark's, it can develop in 1 of 5 people. I think my face must have fallen quite far because he jumped at the opportunity to point out that while there is a 20% chance he could develop it, there's an 80% chance that he WON'T. He also said that it's very manageable with new medications. The only problem, really, is that in the State of Utah, if you are diagnosed with a seizure disorder, you CANNOT drive. I'm trying not to let all of this overwhelm me. I'm praying that Mark will be counted among the 80%.

As we walked out to the car I asked Mark how his testing went today. I asked him if it was hard. When he didn't say anything I looked over at him and he was crying. When he got control of his emotions, he was able to express that he feels so stupid. He feels so dumb because he can't find the answers to simple questions that he could before the injury. He said when the people that give him the test look at him, he can see the compassion in their eyes as they understand that he's not functioning at the level that he should be. It makes him feel even more stupid, but he understands that they don't mean it to be degrading. It's just a natural reaction to what they see before them. He wept as he expressed his desire to take care of his family and his inability to do so. He's embarrassed. He apologized profusely for not being the man he used to be. He apologized that he can't take care of me and our girls. He apologized that I had to endure such tremendous heartache. He apologized that his family did this to us. You can't comprehend how my heart breaks to witness such a humbling display of sorrow. And the anger that accompanies that heartbreak. Anger for such senselessness. This didn't have to happen.

I have some repenting to do. Just yesterday I was posting about my "pity party" attitude. And then the Lord stretches forth His hand, touches a practical stranger's heart, and provides an unspeakable gift to our family. I felt such gratitude for His willingness to love me and bless me, even when I lose sight of the many blessings that I have in my life...when it seems as if I have forgotten Him completely and the ourpouring of love and blessings from above. And my heart is full of gratitude for those who feel His touch and act on it. A truly altruistic action. A ministering angel. An angel that will never know the true value of her gift. An angel among us. Thank you.

Blessing of the Day: ministering angels