I Have Become...Comfortably Numb

It's been a traumatizing couple of days. I don't know if I jinxed us because of my post about things being quiet, or if Mark needed a wake-up call that he's nowhere near ready to go back to work. Either way, it was horrible.

Last night I was folding laundry in the bedroom and complaining to Paige that I seem to be the only person in my family that notices the mountains of laundry. Mark was in the kitchen and I thought I heard him fall. At that exact moment of thought, Madison came running in and said that Daddy was crying. I went out to the kitchen to check on him and he was laying on the floor, hands and arms curled in towards his body, eyes rolled back into his head, his head banging against the floor as he convulsed. I screamed as I ran for the phone to call 911. My mom took over the call with 911 as I slid my legs underneath Mark to keep him from banging his head on the floor. Paige had gathered the girls into the bedroom to try and keep them calm. She thought Mark had died because there was no color in his face and mom and I were trying to figure out if he was breathing. Paige had gone outside to get Tye and he came in and gave Mark a priesthood blessing as he lay there convulsing. Mark's breathing was very ragged as he sucked air in though his nose and out his clenched teeth. There was saliva and blood blowing out of his mouth as he had bitten his tongue. After the blessing, Mark started to calm down and relax his extremeties. We had to keep him on his side so that in case he vomited, he wouldn't aspirate into his lungs. We laid his head on a pillow and let the EMT's come in and take over. They were taking his vitals and his blood pressure was extremely low. Mark opened his eyes and sat up. He was looking around at everyone, not really knowing what was going on. I tried to get him to look at me so he wouldn't be frightened, but he didn't really see me. He looked through me. The EMT's got him on the backboard, out into the ambulance, and then took him to the hospital. I followed them in my car.

When I got to the hospital they were just bringing him into the ER. Mark was fully awake and aware of what was going on. He was hysterically sobbing and repeating, "I don't want to die! I don't want to die!" In the car on my way to the hospital, I was very emotional as I plead with my Father in Heaven to bless Mark and help us get through this situation. I had called Kim and Alan and asked if they could come down. But when I saw Mark laying on that gurney, terrified and pleading that he wouldn't die, my emotions flipped a switch and I became the strong one. I got right into his face so that he could see and hear me, and got him to focus on me. He recognized me right away and kept sobbing and pleading. He said over and over again, "I'm so scared. I'm terrified I'm going to die. Please don't let me die." Sometimes he was sobbing so hysterically that I couldn't understand him. After a dose of Adavan and some comfort from me, he was able to calm down. He didn't know what had happened, he couldn't remember that he'd been assaulted and spent a month in the hospital. It was truly the most terrifying experience of his life.

Madison had seen him convulsing on the floor, heard me screaming to call 911, and evidently I had pushed her out of the way as I ran for the phone. She was the most upset and before I left for the hospital she said, "Why does this have to happen to my Daddy?" I hugged her tight, told her Tye had given Daddy a blessing and that she should say a prayer for him. After Mark was calmed down, he asked about the girls and I told him Madison was pretty upset. He called her right then and I know it was what she needed. He was able to talk to her and tell her he loved her and that he was going to be okay.

We stayed at the hospital until 12:30 so they could monitor him and we could have the frank discussion of starting him on anti-seizure medication. This means that he won't be able to drive until he's had a 6 month stint with no seizures. We scheduled an appointment to see a neurologist and they let us go. I got him home and put to bed, even though he said he was afraid to go to sleep because he didn't want it to happen again.

We had an appointment with the new doctor already scheduled for today, so we went. As he is an expert on the brain, Mark wanted to get some answers. He described a seizure as an electrical storm passing through the brain. There's nothing you can do but make the person comfortable to keep them from injuring themselves, and let it pass. I described the seizure to him and he said it was a Grand Mal seizure. I found the following information about them.


Grand mal seizures have two stages.

Tonic phase.
Loss of consciousness occurs, and the muscles suddenly contract and cause the person to fall down. This phase tends to last about 10 to 20 seconds.

Clonic phase.
The muscles go into rhythmic contractions, alternately flexing and relaxing. Convulsions usually last for less than two minutes.

The following signs and symptoms occur in some but not all people with grand mal seizures.

Aura. Some people experience a warning feeling (aura) before a grand mal seizure. This warning varies from person to person, but may include feeling a sense of unexplained dread, a strange smell or a feeling of numbness.

A scream. Some people may cry out at the beginning of a seizure because the muscles around the vocal cords seize, forcing air out.

Loss of bowel and bladder control. This may happen during or following a seizure.

Unresponsiveness after convulsions. Unconsciousness may persist for several minutes after the convulsion has ended.

Confusion. A period of disorientation often follows a grand mal seizure. This is referred to as postictal confusion.

Fatigue. Sleepiness is common after a grand mal seizure.

Severe headache. Headaches are common but not universal after grand mal seizures.

I consider it a blessing that Mark only experienced 3 of these symptoms.

The Aura: he said he remembered standing in front of the pantry and then the food started to go up as if floating in the air. He said he felt strange and then remembered waking up in the ambulance. I believe he was falling to the floor when he described the food as floating.

Confusion: he couldn't remember the assault.

Fatigue: he was exhausted immediately after and all through today.

We were told that being on medication didn't mean that he wouldn't continue to have seizures. They have particular triggers that can set them off. Some of them are hunger, sleep deprivation, fatigue, light sensitivity, etc. Mark hadn't gotten much sleep the two nights before, I don't know when he had eaten last, and he had been working hard all day on several things, just having mowed the front lawn and half of the back. In assessing Mark's situation, he's only had 2 seizures, both with definite triggers. They are common among brain injured patients, so it's not a shock to anyone that he's had them. But they have been few. We're hoping that they can be controlled by the medication and we can continue on with as normal a life as possible.

I worry about my husband every minute of every day. I'm trying very hard to not let his disabilities debilitate us and keep us from living. If seizures are going to be a part of our lives, I guess I need to get some thicker skin, educate my girls and pray that we can keep them at bay. I do know that I don't ever want to witness that again. As terrified as Mark was, I don't know if he was as afraid as I was. It's a horrific thing to watch. And as more and more things such as this infiltrate our lives, the thicker my skin gets. The harder I get. The only way I can continue to go on after so much pain, fear and sorrow is to become numb. I have become...comfortably numb.

Blessing of the Day: priesthood blessings