Do you ever get to the point where you just want to run away? Run away from everything and everyone? I suppose that's the feeling that drives people to drink or do drugs. The escape. Don't worry....I'm not ready to plunge into either of those things. I just wish sometimes I could run away. Not because I don't love or care about my family, but because I just can't take it one...more...minute. Sometimes it all just becomes too much. Too much stress. Too much worry. Too much hurt. Too much work. Too much...too much...too much.
I got on the Brain Injury Association website this weekend. They have posted some interesting statistics.
•Every 23 seconds, one person in the U.S. sustains a brain injury
•Over the past 12 years, mortality from brain injury has exceeded the cumulative number of American battle deaths inclusive of all wars since the founding of the Republic.
•Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is a silent yet serious epidemic currently leaving 5.3 million Americans with disabilities. This represents over- 2% of the US population; 40,000 victims in Utah alone!
•50% of brain injuries are caused by vehicle crashes, 26% by falls.
•In September 2000 alone, 8600 children under the age of 15 suffered a brain injury from scooter accidents... almost 300 children per day!
•Every 7 minutes, someone dies of a brain injury
•One death every day and one brain injury every four minutes can be prevented by the use of helmets in recreational activities, including skiing and biking.
•80 % of brain injury victims end up in a divorce
•75% of persons with TBI who return to work will lose their job within 90 days if they do not have supports.
•The estimated lifetime cost for each survivor of a severe brain injury exceeds $4 million.
•According to a study conducted by The National Foundation for the Brain, the cost of brain injury in the United States was $48.3 billion in 1992. Hospitalization accounts for $31.7 billion, and fatal brain injuries cost the nation $16.6 billion each year. We estimate that this figure may be substantially higher today.
These are fascinating statistics. But the one that really caught my attention was "80% of brain injury victims end up in a divorce". What I'd like to know is of that 80%, how many were initiated by the victim and how many by the caregiver. The reason I wonder is that Mark has said to me several times that he should have just died and that the girls and I would be better off with someone else. I know that it's the Adversary talking, the depression talking, the desire to be "done" with all of the stress, worry, hurt, work. But I take those ramblings for what they are...ramblings. They are not his true feelings for us. And no matter how much stress, worry, hurt or work it takes....it's US against the world. And we will continue to fight the battle...together...for as long as it takes.
I read to Mark a wonderful talk by Pres. Thomas S. Monson titled "Finding Joy In The Journey". He's having a hard time accepting that this recovery not only to his brain, but our lives, is going to take a long time. He's slowly realizing that he can't just sit around and be unhappy. This talk helped him. I've posted the link.
http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/finding-joy-in-the-journey?lang=eng&query=Joy+Journey
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Truth Hurts
It has been a difficult day for me. I guess it's time for a breakdown.
Mark had his testing with the new doctor this morning. The doctor told us there is a connection between the temporal lobe and the frontal lobe. Mark's injuries were only milimeters from that connection. Had this connection been severed Mark would not be able to speak at all, among other problems. He showed us how the brain had been shifted from the midline due to the massive epidural blood clot on the right side. I learned that the brain is covered with a layer of sinew-type tissue called the dura. The dura has blood vessels, as well as the bone. There was bleeding from the dura and the bone that created this blod clot, that sat between the bone and the dura. Once the clot from the right side had been removed, the pressure on the left side had been relieved causing the bleeding to resume on the left side. This bleeding was actually occuring in the brain. I posted before about the brain tissue having been removed. I can't believe the size of the hole in Mark's brain. I can't believe my husband has survived such devastation.
We got good news and bad news about his tests. Good news is that the right side of his brain is functioning almost perfectly. According to the tests that were administered, Mark's visual memory and comprehension are in tact. The bad news is that he's functioning below the 5th percentile on his left side. I was surprised it was this low. I thought it might be higher since he can speak and communicate to a certain extent. Audiologically Mark suffers a great deal. He has great difficulty understanding verbal communication. He has great difficulty producing the words he needs. We have a long road ahead of us.
After leaving the doctor's office, I was overcome with gratitude, again, for such a blessing in our lives. This doctor will be able to help us in ways that no one else can. I know he is one of the Lord's ministering angels. Throughout the day I pondered on everything we've been through so far, and what labors we will be asked to perform from now on. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm spent. I'm overwhelmed.
But life doesn't care...it goes on.
Blessing of the Day: reality
p.s. Formal arraignment was yesterday and the trial date has been set for October 3rd, 4th, and 6th. Read about it here:
http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_2ca4f098-98ae-5178-a813-6d9bf7384eff.html
Mark had his testing with the new doctor this morning. The doctor told us there is a connection between the temporal lobe and the frontal lobe. Mark's injuries were only milimeters from that connection. Had this connection been severed Mark would not be able to speak at all, among other problems. He showed us how the brain had been shifted from the midline due to the massive epidural blood clot on the right side. I learned that the brain is covered with a layer of sinew-type tissue called the dura. The dura has blood vessels, as well as the bone. There was bleeding from the dura and the bone that created this blod clot, that sat between the bone and the dura. Once the clot from the right side had been removed, the pressure on the left side had been relieved causing the bleeding to resume on the left side. This bleeding was actually occuring in the brain. I posted before about the brain tissue having been removed. I can't believe the size of the hole in Mark's brain. I can't believe my husband has survived such devastation.
We got good news and bad news about his tests. Good news is that the right side of his brain is functioning almost perfectly. According to the tests that were administered, Mark's visual memory and comprehension are in tact. The bad news is that he's functioning below the 5th percentile on his left side. I was surprised it was this low. I thought it might be higher since he can speak and communicate to a certain extent. Audiologically Mark suffers a great deal. He has great difficulty understanding verbal communication. He has great difficulty producing the words he needs. We have a long road ahead of us.
After leaving the doctor's office, I was overcome with gratitude, again, for such a blessing in our lives. This doctor will be able to help us in ways that no one else can. I know he is one of the Lord's ministering angels. Throughout the day I pondered on everything we've been through so far, and what labors we will be asked to perform from now on. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm spent. I'm overwhelmed.
But life doesn't care...it goes on.
Blessing of the Day: reality
p.s. Formal arraignment was yesterday and the trial date has been set for October 3rd, 4th, and 6th. Read about it here:
http://www.heraldextra.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/article_2ca4f098-98ae-5178-a813-6d9bf7384eff.html
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Anger, Love, Sadness, Compassion and Gratitude
As we sit together and read our scriptures every night, I experience several extreme emotions. The first is always anger. Anger towards the bastards who almost killed my husband, and by so doing have belittled him to the reading level of a first grader. Anger as I watch him struggle to not only read the words, but comprehend what it is he's reading. He's lost his sense of where the emphasis should be placed and the composition of a sentence. He runs on without it making sense. He struggles through his few verses, and then embarrassed looks at me and says, "Ok. That's enough." And almost nightly he will express how embarrassed he is that his 2nd grader reads better than he does. Anger that we have lost everything. Anger that we are required to give so much. Anger over the senselessness of such a horriffic act. Anger, anger, anger.
The second emotion is love. An overwhelming rush of love for this man who has endured so much. The man I have spent the last 19 years loving and caring for. Love that has seen us through so much in our time together. Love for a generous Father in Heaven for answering my fervant prayers that my husband would live. Love for my beautiful girls. Love, love, love.
The third is sadness. Sadness for all that we have lost as a family. Sadness for all that Mark has lost as a man. Sadness for all that will not be ours due to the tragedy. Sadness for all that my sweet husband must endure in order to try and recover. Sadness as I watch him struggle to do things that were second nature before the injuries. Sadness for his sadness. Sadness for his struggles. Sadness for what my girls have lost. Sadness for what I have lost. Sadness, sadness, sadness.
The fourth is compassion. Compassion that allows me to forget myself and focus on helping my sweet husband. Compassion so that I may give more to my family than I've ever been asked to give before. Compassion, compassion, compassion.
The last is always gratitude. Gratitude to my Father in Heaven that he spared me more heartache than I could handle. Gratitude to Him that He spared my girls that same heartache. Gratitude that we are an eternal family. Gratitude for the miraculous recovery Mark has had. Gratitude for all those who have helped us to endure this journey. Gratitude for the love and support of my first family. Gratitude for the years ahead and the opportunities that they hold. Gratitude for the Plan of Salvation. Gratitude for the righteous examples that we read about in the scriptures, and the hope that they give me. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.
Blessing of the Day: scriptures
The second emotion is love. An overwhelming rush of love for this man who has endured so much. The man I have spent the last 19 years loving and caring for. Love that has seen us through so much in our time together. Love for a generous Father in Heaven for answering my fervant prayers that my husband would live. Love for my beautiful girls. Love, love, love.
The third is sadness. Sadness for all that we have lost as a family. Sadness for all that Mark has lost as a man. Sadness for all that will not be ours due to the tragedy. Sadness for all that my sweet husband must endure in order to try and recover. Sadness as I watch him struggle to do things that were second nature before the injuries. Sadness for his sadness. Sadness for his struggles. Sadness for what my girls have lost. Sadness for what I have lost. Sadness, sadness, sadness.
The fourth is compassion. Compassion that allows me to forget myself and focus on helping my sweet husband. Compassion so that I may give more to my family than I've ever been asked to give before. Compassion, compassion, compassion.
The last is always gratitude. Gratitude to my Father in Heaven that he spared me more heartache than I could handle. Gratitude to Him that He spared my girls that same heartache. Gratitude that we are an eternal family. Gratitude for the miraculous recovery Mark has had. Gratitude for all those who have helped us to endure this journey. Gratitude for the love and support of my first family. Gratitude for the years ahead and the opportunities that they hold. Gratitude for the Plan of Salvation. Gratitude for the righteous examples that we read about in the scriptures, and the hope that they give me. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.
Blessing of the Day: scriptures
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Put Your Shoulder To The Wheel
It's been a relatively quiet week. The highlight, of course, was meeting with the new doctor.
Mark was trying to keep himself busy this week. He tends to get a little crazy if he doesn't have anything to do. We put bunkbeds together, he worked in the yard, ew went to see Pirates. He even tried to rewire a hair dryer for my little brother's projects and ended up blowing up the motor. After that happened, he looked at me and said, "Well now I know what I did wrong." He was embarrassed. He said, "I should have known how to do that. I can't believe I screwed that up." I think it scared him a little as to whether he can be an electrician. Not that he won't be safe, but that he'll be able to make things work. It was a real shot to his confidence.
He's been really tired lately. He's also been more active, so I figure the two go hand-in-hand. One of the doctors at the rehab center told me that their patients biggest complaint one year after a brain injury is the fatigue. I have to keep reminding him to be patient. His brain is what runs his body and if his brain is tired from trying to heal, then his body would be tired and need to rest. It frustrates him because he thinks he's being lazy. He's laying in bed while his kids go to school and his wife goes to work. But I think I finally got through to him this weekend. He's going to try and spread his workload out so that he doesn't overdo it one day, and then have to rest it off the next. Consistency. He needs consistency.
This week is full of lots of appointments. He has speech therapy, a trip to see the opthamologist, and a two hour test with the new doctor. I have a wedding cake due on Thursday, Olivi'a baptism invitations to finish, and a baptism dress to finish. The Davis family is going to be busy this week.
Blessing of the Day: work to do
Mark was trying to keep himself busy this week. He tends to get a little crazy if he doesn't have anything to do. We put bunkbeds together, he worked in the yard, ew went to see Pirates. He even tried to rewire a hair dryer for my little brother's projects and ended up blowing up the motor. After that happened, he looked at me and said, "Well now I know what I did wrong." He was embarrassed. He said, "I should have known how to do that. I can't believe I screwed that up." I think it scared him a little as to whether he can be an electrician. Not that he won't be safe, but that he'll be able to make things work. It was a real shot to his confidence.
He's been really tired lately. He's also been more active, so I figure the two go hand-in-hand. One of the doctors at the rehab center told me that their patients biggest complaint one year after a brain injury is the fatigue. I have to keep reminding him to be patient. His brain is what runs his body and if his brain is tired from trying to heal, then his body would be tired and need to rest. It frustrates him because he thinks he's being lazy. He's laying in bed while his kids go to school and his wife goes to work. But I think I finally got through to him this weekend. He's going to try and spread his workload out so that he doesn't overdo it one day, and then have to rest it off the next. Consistency. He needs consistency.
This week is full of lots of appointments. He has speech therapy, a trip to see the opthamologist, and a two hour test with the new doctor. I have a wedding cake due on Thursday, Olivi'a baptism invitations to finish, and a baptism dress to finish. The Davis family is going to be busy this week.
Blessing of the Day: work to do
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I Will Go Before Your Face. I Will Be On Your Right Hand And On Your Left.
We had our first meeting with the new doctor tonight. We took him the digital images of Mark's first and last CT's and MRI's. He loaded them onto his computer that has special software that can look at even the most minute detail. Mark did a quick cognitive test that they use as a baseline, so that in two months when he takes it again, we can all see how he's progressing.
The doc showed us an actual human skull from a woman that had donated her body to science. He took the top off of the skull and held it up to the window so that we could see the light coming through the bones. He told us that the brain tissue is very soft, which is why it's so susceptible to injury. We looked at the fist CT scan when Mark had arrived in the emergency room. He pointed out the fractures and the very obvious hematoma's. He noted that the hematoma on the right side of his brain was the size of his fist and was pushing the left temporal lobe towards the brain stem, which is in the inner portion of the brain. He took apart a rubber mold of a brain and showed exactly how close Mark came to death as the temporal lobe was encroaching on the brain stem. The brain stem runs the central nervous system (breathing, heartbeat, etc.). He reiterated what Dr. Gaufin has said from the beginning: It's truly a miracle that Mark survived and is doing as well as he is. We then looked at his most recent MRI which showed the gap in bone where the shattered portion had been removed. He then showed us that the right side of his brain had healed really well and showed no tissue damage. We then looked at the left side and you could see the obvious absense of brain tissue. The space where the brain tissue had been has now filled with cerebral fluid. It's a dark space on the image, where the brain tissue is light gray. Mark asked him if he was ever going to be able to be completely healed. The doc said, "Your damage is permanent. But that doesn't mean that you can't rehabilitate and even retrain your brain to be able to enjoy the rest of your life. But know that this is a long process. It's not like when you break you leg and in 3 months you've healed and are back to normal. Rehabilitating the brain takes months and months. You need to be patient with the process and yourself. I'm going to sound like a broken record as I keep reminding you to be patient because this is a very long process. But it will come." I was fascinated and awed by what I was hearing and seeing. Mark sat back quietly in his chair and didn't say much. Later I asked him how he was doing and he was overcome with emotion. I think he's finally starting to understand just how close he came to death and the reality that members of his own family could do something so uncomprehensable to him.
Before we left the doctor's office I expressed my gratitude for what this doctor is going to be doing for us. He told us that he normally just oversees the department and on occassion he will take on his own case. "You are my new case." I told him that there are no coincidences in this life. The circumstances that we've found ourselves in and that his occupation and life's work has been in the field of brain injury research is a little unfathomable. The only explanation I have to give is the obvious hand of the Lord in ALL things. He has been ever present in our lives.
Doctrine & Covenant 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Blessing of the Day: modern medicine
The doc showed us an actual human skull from a woman that had donated her body to science. He took the top off of the skull and held it up to the window so that we could see the light coming through the bones. He told us that the brain tissue is very soft, which is why it's so susceptible to injury. We looked at the fist CT scan when Mark had arrived in the emergency room. He pointed out the fractures and the very obvious hematoma's. He noted that the hematoma on the right side of his brain was the size of his fist and was pushing the left temporal lobe towards the brain stem, which is in the inner portion of the brain. He took apart a rubber mold of a brain and showed exactly how close Mark came to death as the temporal lobe was encroaching on the brain stem. The brain stem runs the central nervous system (breathing, heartbeat, etc.). He reiterated what Dr. Gaufin has said from the beginning: It's truly a miracle that Mark survived and is doing as well as he is. We then looked at his most recent MRI which showed the gap in bone where the shattered portion had been removed. He then showed us that the right side of his brain had healed really well and showed no tissue damage. We then looked at the left side and you could see the obvious absense of brain tissue. The space where the brain tissue had been has now filled with cerebral fluid. It's a dark space on the image, where the brain tissue is light gray. Mark asked him if he was ever going to be able to be completely healed. The doc said, "Your damage is permanent. But that doesn't mean that you can't rehabilitate and even retrain your brain to be able to enjoy the rest of your life. But know that this is a long process. It's not like when you break you leg and in 3 months you've healed and are back to normal. Rehabilitating the brain takes months and months. You need to be patient with the process and yourself. I'm going to sound like a broken record as I keep reminding you to be patient because this is a very long process. But it will come." I was fascinated and awed by what I was hearing and seeing. Mark sat back quietly in his chair and didn't say much. Later I asked him how he was doing and he was overcome with emotion. I think he's finally starting to understand just how close he came to death and the reality that members of his own family could do something so uncomprehensable to him.
Before we left the doctor's office I expressed my gratitude for what this doctor is going to be doing for us. He told us that he normally just oversees the department and on occassion he will take on his own case. "You are my new case." I told him that there are no coincidences in this life. The circumstances that we've found ourselves in and that his occupation and life's work has been in the field of brain injury research is a little unfathomable. The only explanation I have to give is the obvious hand of the Lord in ALL things. He has been ever present in our lives.
Doctrine & Covenant 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
Blessing of the Day: modern medicine
Monday, May 16, 2011
Continue In Patience
Mark had a busy day today. He was very excited to go to the Center for Change and go over what minor things they had for him to do, electrically. He was also very nervous that he wouldn't be able to remember how to do everything that needed to be done. Before the injury, Mark was a great electrician. He was knowledgeable, proficient and efficient. He is very worried that he won't be able to do the only thing he knows how to do....be an electrician. It really scares him. Through tears and sobs he said, "If I can't do electrical work, how am I ever going to be able to take care of my family?" His confidence and self worth are really suffering right now. And the Adversary is taking great advantage of his vulnerability. I don't have any answers for him, other than to tell him to remember the Lord in all things, count his miraculous blessings, and trust that if the Lord saved his life there must be work for him to do, and He will help him do it.
Elder Neal A. Maxwell, a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, stated: "Having faith in the Lord means also having faith in His timeline." This is a difficult thing to do. But even more so when you have a brain injury that keeps you from doing what's normal. When I get down while trying to wait patiently on the Lord, I remember those dark, difficult hours filled with much fear and prayer, and replay the memory video of Dr. Gaufin walking out of the OR with a smile on his face. It can sure dispell the fear, doubt and worry pretty quickly. I wish I could adequately share those memories with Mark so that he could understand just how miraculous he really is. But I guess it'll just be the beautiful miracle for those who witnessed it personally.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, spoke in the October 2010 General Conference on patience. His words are profound indeed. And a much needed balm to our aching hearts. Take a few minutes to read the words of a modern-day prophet.
http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng&query=waiting+patiently
Blessing of the Day: witness
Elder Neal A. Maxwell, a member of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, stated: "Having faith in the Lord means also having faith in His timeline." This is a difficult thing to do. But even more so when you have a brain injury that keeps you from doing what's normal. When I get down while trying to wait patiently on the Lord, I remember those dark, difficult hours filled with much fear and prayer, and replay the memory video of Dr. Gaufin walking out of the OR with a smile on his face. It can sure dispell the fear, doubt and worry pretty quickly. I wish I could adequately share those memories with Mark so that he could understand just how miraculous he really is. But I guess it'll just be the beautiful miracle for those who witnessed it personally.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, spoke in the October 2010 General Conference on patience. His words are profound indeed. And a much needed balm to our aching hearts. Take a few minutes to read the words of a modern-day prophet.
http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng&query=waiting+patiently
Blessing of the Day: witness
Sunday, May 15, 2011
All's Well That Ends Well
It's been a relatively quiet weekend. An emotional one, but quiet.
We celebrated our Olivia's 8th birthday on Friday. We went to dinner at Olive Garden and then to see Seussical the Musical at the Hale Center Theater. It felt really good to laugh and play with our kids. If you're in the area, I highly recommend seeing it. Our girls have begged us to see it again. We just might have to do that.
Mark had a very busy Saturday. By the time he got home around 3:00, he was ready for bed. He laid down and napped until bedtime, then went to sleep. Today he was very emotional. While he was busy this week getting some things done, he didn't "make any money". This has got to be his greatest emotional challenge right now. A man's self worth is tied directly to his ability to provide for his family. It's humiliating for him to watch me go to work while he's here trying to keep himself busy and handle the home front. Our Bishop has counseled him to not run faster than he's able. I'm hoping this new doc will shed some light onto what we may be able to accomplish for him vocationally. I know there's a vocational rehab that works with brain injury patients, so I'm going to look into that this week. He needs to feel at least like he's trying to move forward.
All's well that ends well. We had Olivia's family party tonight and did the Hello Kitty cake. She is such a blessing to us. Family is truly the greatest blessing our Father in Heaven has given us.
Blessing of the Day: our little ones
We celebrated our Olivia's 8th birthday on Friday. We went to dinner at Olive Garden and then to see Seussical the Musical at the Hale Center Theater. It felt really good to laugh and play with our kids. If you're in the area, I highly recommend seeing it. Our girls have begged us to see it again. We just might have to do that.
Mark had a very busy Saturday. By the time he got home around 3:00, he was ready for bed. He laid down and napped until bedtime, then went to sleep. Today he was very emotional. While he was busy this week getting some things done, he didn't "make any money". This has got to be his greatest emotional challenge right now. A man's self worth is tied directly to his ability to provide for his family. It's humiliating for him to watch me go to work while he's here trying to keep himself busy and handle the home front. Our Bishop has counseled him to not run faster than he's able. I'm hoping this new doc will shed some light onto what we may be able to accomplish for him vocationally. I know there's a vocational rehab that works with brain injury patients, so I'm going to look into that this week. He needs to feel at least like he's trying to move forward.
All's well that ends well. We had Olivia's family party tonight and did the Hello Kitty cake. She is such a blessing to us. Family is truly the greatest blessing our Father in Heaven has given us.
Blessing of the Day: our little ones
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