The Errand of Angels

I had the most AMAZING conversation with a new doctor that can help Mark. He told me that brain injury rehabilitation services in the state of Utah are deplorable. Practically non-existent. But because of his education, background and place of employment, he has plenty of resources to help us further Mark's recovery. And they're all free to us. I felt like when we got discharged from the hospital that we were on our own. Now I feel like our prayers have been answered.

I will be taking him the digital images from Mark's MRI's and the neuro/psych evaluation. He will input the information into his magic equipment and be able to design a program to help Mark for the best benefit. I can't tell you how thoroughly excited we are about this. He was amazed at how far Mark has come already, but knows that the recovery process is not over. It can stretch out as long as 3-6 years. We have our work cut out for us.

With the good news from the hearing and the new developments with this doctor, this has been an exceptionally good week. We are filled with a new hope for the future. And we get to celebrate our beautiful Olivia's 8th birthday today. Off to Olive Garden and the Hale Center Theater to see Seussical the Musical.

Blessing of the Day: instruments in the hand of God

The Mind May Forget, But The Heart Always Knows The Truth

Mark did really well testifying at the hearing. He was nervous, but handled himself well. The neurosurgeon testified and even I learned some things. It was emotional for me to listen to his very descriptive testimony of the surgery. I've read the OR reports so it wasn't that I was shocked by the description. It just took me back to those long, dark hours of December 1st and 2nd, and back to the reality that I almost lost my husband in a senseless, brutal attack. Dr. Gaufin said again, "Most people with these similar injuries die. I didn't expect him to survive the surgery." He talked about the 3 surgeries and that he finally finished early in the morning on the 2nd of December. I closed my eyes for a second and relived the moment when Dr. Gaufin walked out of the OR at 7:30 a.m. with a huge smile on his face. My heart was full with gratitude for this very special man that saved my husband's life.

My happy heart didn't stay that way for very long. While Mark was testifying and struggling to understand some of the questions he was being asked, people in the courtroom were laughing. Laughing at his obvious deficits and talking to each other as if they were at a social gathering instead of a very serious, formal proceeding. It's hard for me to comprehend how some people can be so callous and heartless. It says a lot about their character, or lack thereof.

But I had the opportunity to be happy again as the judge gave her synopsis of the evidence brought before her. There will be an arrainment on the 25th when the trial date will be set. I'm sure it won't be until early Fall. My friend described this whole process like being on a merry-go-round that we can't ever get off of. We look forward to having closure and getting this all behind us. We have already moved on to some degree. It will just be the final chapter finished.

Blessing of the Day: truth

I Won't Let Go

It's a good thing we both have enough to keep us busy. Mark moved some boxes around in the storage unit today while I was at work. It took our minds off of tomorrow.

We're not so much stressed about testifying to the judge...it's mostly about being in the same room with the people that tried to kill my husband. But as I sit here and type this, there is a song playing on the radio by the country group Rascal Flatts. It has particular meaning to me as it came on one night when I was alone in the car. It gives me strength to keep going. If you ever get the chance to listen to it, you'll know why.

I Won't Let Go

It's like a storm that cuts a path. It breaks your will, it feels like that.
You think you're lost, but your're not lost. On your own, you're not alone.

I will stand by you. I will help you through.
When you've done all you can do...and you can't cope.
I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight.
I will hold you tight...and I won't let go.

It hurts my heart to see you cry. I know it's dark, this part of life.
Oh, it finds us all...and we're too small
To stop the rain. Oh, but when it rains...

I will stand by you. I will help you through.
When you've done all you can do...and you can't cope.
I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight.
I will hold you tight...and I won't let you fall.

Don't be afraid to fall.
I'm right here to catch you.
I won't let you down.
It won't get you down.
You're gonna make it.
Yeah, I knowyou can make it.

'Cause I will stand by you. I will help you through.
When you've done all you can do...and you can't cope.
I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight.
And I won't let go.

Oh I'm gonna hold you.
And I won't let go.
Won't let you go.
No, I won't.

Blessing of the Day: bishops

Put On A Happy Face : )

Mark has been very distressed about the preliminary hearing on Wednesday. So stressed that he wanted to meet with the prosecutor. We sat down with him for about an hour and went over how things were going to play out. Mark will have to testify about what he can remember. Should be a short testimony, huh? We'll see. We did find out that the neurosurgeon that saved Mark's life will be there to testify. I can't wait to hear what he has to say.

Anytime we have to discuss the assault or any kind of legalities regarding it, it puts a certain amount of strain on us. We don't dwell on it day after day, but it obviously is a huge monkey on our backs, so to speak, that we have to try and manage as best we can. We try not to let the stress come between us, but sometimes it does. And today it did. All of this legal stuff needs to hurry up and be done. It's the closure that we need to help us move forward.

It's quite the balancing act I am required to perform. Mark's heart is very tender and impressionable right now. If he senses even the slightest bit of tension from me, it sends him into a tailspin. He thinks I'm upset with him because he's "too dumb to understand everything that's going on", or "you're getting sick of having to take care of me", or "this is all going to be too much to handle and you're going to leave me". So whether I'm happy, stressed, sad, angry or just sick and tired of everything I have to do, I put on my happy face for him. And even when I'm feeling like it's so unfair that I have to DO that, I remember how he's feeling and how all of this has affected him and his life, and I do it again. The only opportunity I have to express my true feelings is here...on this blog. So I apologize if it seems that I've been "Debbie Downer" as of late, but I have to vent somewhere and to someone. Fortunately for y'all, I don't vent EVERYTHING I'm thinking or feeling. But thanks for listening, anyway.

Blessing of the Day: outlets

Pay It Forward

I had a successful first week of work. Well, first 3 days, anyway. And Mark did quite well in my absence. He kept himself busy working in the yard, and wore himself completely out. He is overly emotional as he feels that he's letting his family down. I know he'll eventually get back to work, it's just not happening on his timetable. And that's extremely difficult for him.

I must admit that it feels a little weird to be at work. I feel so disjointed and disconnected to everything that is my life. You would think it would be very natural for me to go back to doing something I did for so long, but my life is drastically different since I last worked outside the home. I enjoy my work, don't get me wrong...and I'm so very grateful that I found a good job so quickly. It's just weird and a little emotional for me. I guess I'm feeling as if another period in my life is over that I worked so hard to earn. There seems to be a lot of that going on in my life as of late.

Today's lesson in Relief Society was on Charity. I've been having a particularly emotional week and church was no different. As the lesson started, I pondered on all the charity I've received in the last 5 months. The word charity tends to have a negative connotation to it. But that negativity comes from the prideful that are too stubborn to accept an angel from the Lord. As I sat there thinking of my particular situation, I became overwhelmed with grattitude for all those who have come to our literal rescue. I was overcome with emotion as I recognized that my Father in Heaven is over all, and must rely on each of us to take care of His children. I have never been in true need as I have been recently. I was taught in my youth how to work hard and be independent and self reliant. I have never asked for help from anyone, for anything. And when my life fell apart on December 1, 2010, one of my dearest friends told me that I needed to say "yes" to all those that offered help. She knew it would hard for me and that I couldn't handle all of this on my own. I am so grateful for her candor.

And I will be forever in the debt of those who served my little family. To all those who watched my girls, brought in meals, visited me at the hospital, fasted and/or prayed for us, donated money, donated time and energy to help us move, offered well wishes, put our names on the rolls of the temple, etc., etc...Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I feel like it's a little trite in that it's all I have to offer you...but thank you, thank you, thank you. I suppose my payment for the many blessings I have received will be to pay it forward.

Blessing of the Day: ministering angels

My Name Is Mark...And I Have A Brain Injury

We went to a support group at BYU tonight for traumatic brain injuries and stroke. It was not what I expected it to be, so we will go again next month and give it another chance.

There were a lot of people there, about half of them were students. There was only one other TBI and all the others were stroke. There was a guest speaker from the Utah Valley Specialty Hospital. He gave some interesting information, but he talked for way too long. By the time he was finished with his presentation, we were ready to leave. I thought it was going to be a forum like AA where you state your name, your injury, and discuss things that are on your mind. I thought it was going to be an opportunity for Mark to see others who have not only survived a severe injury, but have made great strides to get their lives back.

We got there early and were able to talk to a guy that had an anurism and a stroke. He was doing really well. We did have to go around the room and introduce ourselves and give a brief reason for our attendance. That was difficult. Mark tried to do it, but he was a little embarrassed, so I took over. We didn't talk about WHO did this to us, but just that he was assaulted and all that he's gone through. I started to get emotional, which kind of shocked me. I think I'm doing pretty well and then there will be a moment when I realize it's still pretty raw. And I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that we'll be seeing our attackers for the first time on Wednesday. I'd like to think that I can be strong and hard and not let it affect me, but I don't really know for sure how I'm going to react or how it's going to affect me. It's a little overwhelming to think about.

Blessing of the Day: strength in numbers

Back To The Grindstone

It's been a crazy few days. Much had to get done in anticipation of my return to the workforce.

I continue to see miracles in our lives everyday. I was given a Priesthood blessing in the OR waiting room the night of the assault. I was told by my Father in Heaven that he was aware of my little family. He was aware of our financial trials and He would take care of us. My Bishop in our Salem ward told me that the Church would provide for us until Mark had recovered and was back to work. I am humbled to say that we never needed that assistance as we were so tremendously blessed by our generous family, friends and neighbors. I asked the girls last week to ask Heavenly Father in their prayers that I could find a job. Literally two days later I interviewed for and was offered a position at a local CPA firm. I wept last night as I sat and pondered that Priesthood blessing and all that has come about since. I can see the literal hand of the Lord in my life.

I witnessed another miracle last night, as well. I was the fortunate recipient of another Priesthood blessing...this time from my sweet husband. It's the first one since the assault. I remember sitting in the OR waiting room as my brother prepared to give me a blessing and thinking, "My husband is the one that is supposed to do this. I hope he will be able to again."

My heart is so full of gratitude for the multitude of blessings that have been poured out on my behalf. I am so unworthy to be the recepient of these beautiful blessings. I am in such debt to my Father in Heaven for all that He has done for me. It will take the eternities for me to earn these sacred blessings.

Blessing of the Day: answered prayers