Being Me

"Today I don't want to be me. I don't want to be the wife of a man that has a brain injury. I don't want to be the wife that endured almost losing her husband. I don't want to be the wife that has to be strong every minute of every day. I don't want to be the one in church that has to explain who we are and where we're from. I don't want to be the one that sees the pity and shock in everyone's faces as you tell them what you've been through in the last year. I...just...don't...want...to...be...me." That was my status update on Facebook yesterday. I was looking forward to some anonymity in our new ward. I wanted to be a normal family with normal dynamics, a normal background and normal issues. NORMAL...NORMAL...NORMAL!!! After a long afternoon of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I realized that we're not normal. We're special. And with that comes much ugliness, pain, sorrow and many tears. But a wonderful friend reminded me, so eloquently, exactly what that means. She said: On days like this, remind yourself that when the plans were designed and you stood by Mark as your brother, and your girls as your sisters, it didn't matter to you what challenges you would go through, as long, as you could do it along side Mark, and most importantly, you wanted to do it, because you wouldn't let any of your girls take on such a challenge. A strong woman like you wanted to do it all. You know, the trust that Heavenly Father has in me is more important to me than even his love, it's like a greater form of love. In my family only one other person, Bridgette, could have traveled my path and still survive. I am sure we fought for it, but I won, and I am glad I did, because now I get to see her travel the beautiful road she took. I am sure there is one for you. You will begin to see it soon enough. Challenges will never end, not in this world anyway. But you can still see the beauty of life. And in the mean time, swear all you want, it always makes me feel better. And remember, for every suffering we go through, we will be compensated to the degree of our suffering, not in the world to come, but in this one. And in the world to come, above and beyond that. Do not be afraid, only believe, I love you! And so today, since the sun came up again and I have to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and keep going, I'm going to hold my dear friend to her words. I'm going to try and look forward with hope for the compensation to come. I don't have a clue what it will be, but it's got to be bigger and better than what I've got.

Sentencing

Sentencing was scheduled for April 16th, but has been continued to May 10th. At first I was upset about this. Feels like it has already been drawn out long enough. But then I found out why and I'm hoping it will be for the best interest of everyone involved.

The judge has been diagnosed with cancer and is having surgery this week. She is taking a month off to recover. When a judge is going to be out of commission, their cases are doled out to the other judges for resolution. She specifically requested that our case be continued so that she can take care of the sentencing. She didn't want a "stranger" trying to piece things together and make a blind decision. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it's the way it is.

We have been very busy since the trial. We've started moving on with our lives through counseling. It's very helpful. Having the stress of the trial behind us is a great blessing. We are gearing up for the sentencing as we will be allowed to speak. We will finally have the opportunity to address those who have hurt us so permanently. I'm sure it will be very cleansing and healing. We have also started moving on with out lives by MOVING OUT!!! We have found a home to rent in Orem. We are very anxious about it. We almost feel as if we're 20 years old again and starting out on our own for the first time. Anxious and excited. This, too, will be cleansing and healing. Onward and upward! Until then....